The Dog Days of January
Here we are..... January on the wane and little reason to enjoy this part of the month as per usual. Cold..... Snow.... and well.... dreariness. 57 departed and I am all of a couple of days into 58. It has been a dreary weekend after a tolerable Friday where all checked in. And I do mean all. Even shadows appeared. I simply do not know what to make of it all.
Let's take a peek at what has been going on.... and see if there is even a remote shred of reason or logic behind any of it.
About two weeks ago, my supervisor asked me to attend an AP conference in Westerville. Seemed like a reasonable thing to consider so I took the initiative and paid for the registration. $100 via credit card. No cancellations permitted. Now mind you, I have lost my courage to drive in anything but reasonable conditions. Storm on its way..... Monday into Tuesday followed with crazy windchill. So on this past Friday we cross paths and he says to me that I don't have to go. So.... I am not going... and well.... doesn't seem to be much logic in any of that..... but it is symptomatic of the Dog Days........
This past Tuesday I met with a former student who recently earned her teaching license. I have made no bones about it..... she should have my spot. I have met with her several times to see how things are progressing. It is my singular intention to land her the job. Now...the tough part..... I need to go. I explained to her that I would like to stay one more year due to some challenging things with my brother. It was difficult.... crazy difficult to say to her that she will have to wait one more year on me to leave. It can best be described as selfish and bullheaded........ I need to be done now.... I have absolutely no right to stand in her way. She is the future.... I am the past. She seemed to understand and was very diplomatic. She is a can't miss superstar.... work ethic and grit and determination. A super-star. I feel as if I am letting her down, my school down, and well..... everyone down.
I had a very difficult time closing out the semester. I procrastinated like never before. I slid in under the tag and made it. But it was grueling. Add some issues with the electronic grade book and... recipe for stress and anxiety....
It was good to chat with the older of my two sisters Friday. She was probing for info on our brother and how he seems to be going the wrong way on a one way street. I feel responsibility for them all..... but... I am not certain that I can keep all of the plates spinning and in the air. I don't quite see how it is going pan out, but Kelly made me consider the possibility that I am being played for a fool. I just know.... that I don't really have a whole lot to retain. I am certain that the future is incredibly dark for the three girls and mostly like the son of sister number 2. I don't feel guilty for being able to help,... but I don't cater to being played the fool.
Today I was angry.... I can't really identify the source of the anger.... But it was live and it was real. It was good that I took some of the rage out on the snow in the driveway and by cleaning the cars off. I am ashamed..... but.... I simply long for having someone to reveal my inner rage. I am simply so frustrated .... I don't see a way out.
Rambling.... listening to wild psychedelic 60s music.... and wondering what this afternoon and evening are holding..... Perhaps there will be a silver lining in this dark state of mind. Perhaps not so much.... But... make no mistake... pressure is building....
So long Dog Days..... may you soon fade away and give a ray or two of hope.
Let's take a peek at what has been going on.... and see if there is even a remote shred of reason or logic behind any of it.
About two weeks ago, my supervisor asked me to attend an AP conference in Westerville. Seemed like a reasonable thing to consider so I took the initiative and paid for the registration. $100 via credit card. No cancellations permitted. Now mind you, I have lost my courage to drive in anything but reasonable conditions. Storm on its way..... Monday into Tuesday followed with crazy windchill. So on this past Friday we cross paths and he says to me that I don't have to go. So.... I am not going... and well.... doesn't seem to be much logic in any of that..... but it is symptomatic of the Dog Days........
This past Tuesday I met with a former student who recently earned her teaching license. I have made no bones about it..... she should have my spot. I have met with her several times to see how things are progressing. It is my singular intention to land her the job. Now...the tough part..... I need to go. I explained to her that I would like to stay one more year due to some challenging things with my brother. It was difficult.... crazy difficult to say to her that she will have to wait one more year on me to leave. It can best be described as selfish and bullheaded........ I need to be done now.... I have absolutely no right to stand in her way. She is the future.... I am the past. She seemed to understand and was very diplomatic. She is a can't miss superstar.... work ethic and grit and determination. A super-star. I feel as if I am letting her down, my school down, and well..... everyone down.
I had a very difficult time closing out the semester. I procrastinated like never before. I slid in under the tag and made it. But it was grueling. Add some issues with the electronic grade book and... recipe for stress and anxiety....
It was good to chat with the older of my two sisters Friday. She was probing for info on our brother and how he seems to be going the wrong way on a one way street. I feel responsibility for them all..... but... I am not certain that I can keep all of the plates spinning and in the air. I don't quite see how it is going pan out, but Kelly made me consider the possibility that I am being played for a fool. I just know.... that I don't really have a whole lot to retain. I am certain that the future is incredibly dark for the three girls and mostly like the son of sister number 2. I don't feel guilty for being able to help,... but I don't cater to being played the fool.
Today I was angry.... I can't really identify the source of the anger.... But it was live and it was real. It was good that I took some of the rage out on the snow in the driveway and by cleaning the cars off. I am ashamed..... but.... I simply long for having someone to reveal my inner rage. I am simply so frustrated .... I don't see a way out.
Rambling.... listening to wild psychedelic 60s music.... and wondering what this afternoon and evening are holding..... Perhaps there will be a silver lining in this dark state of mind. Perhaps not so much.... But... make no mistake... pressure is building....
So long Dog Days..... may you soon fade away and give a ray or two of hope.
posted by cpc at 2:10 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home