A Decision

It is a time like no other.  On Thursday, I wrote a letter on retirement. I met with my principal. I listened to what his thoughts were on my role in my teaching and in our Social Studies Department. I explained to him my concerns about my limited physical abilities.  He offer to make a teaching place downstairs for me. I explained that I would have a decision for him on Monday.   It is now Sunday.

After a great deal of thought, I am going to return for another. 

Here is my reasoning......

1, I need a purpose.  Without teaching, I have no purpose. It is not a want to have a purpose, It is need to have a purpose.  It is a terrible realization that I do not have another purpose, but it is real. My heart wants to teach.  It is one of the few things in my life that I do well. The rest of my existence is pretty much worthless. I can not function independently very well. I don't have the physical stamina to walk very far.... as in a mile one way.....  My balance is limited..... and I don't even have enough physical stamina to drive comfortably to Bryan and back.....   I experience incredible (and sometimes debilitating) anxiety over the simplest  things....  such as going up and down stairs (even with a hand rail) and meeting simple deadlines....  Where as I know that I can do it.... my head says you are going to fall.... and be humiliated. Without a purpose... I will simply not be a human.

2. The cost of health care insurance is currently about $1300 a month if I retire..... That is a lot of money.... and it is only going to become more expensive.  If I teach another year, school pays.... At age 65 I will be eligible for Medicare. Cost comes down to about $675 a month.... If.... and big if.... I choose the retire/rehire route.... bank the rehire money.... One year of banked retire/rehire money would pay for the $1300 a month until I reach 65....  I am genuinely considering retire/rehire..... It seems a reasonable and practical way. 

3. Some things have to be addressed on Windsor Drive in regard to the house. I can only do that if I have some additional income. Windows, siding, and remodels of the bathroom and kitchen..... to make the place attractive to a buyer. I also will need some money to do what needs to be done to update Robrock Street. The only way these things can happen and stay debt free is to remain employed for another year.

And now... why am most likely making the wrong decision..... 

1. Physically it is only going to get rougher....   Plain and simple.... I am on the decline. Because I lack physical  ability..... I definitely expect cognitive ability to follow. I genuinely worry about monitoring fire drills, tornado drills.... and the like.... Those things will not be any easier......

2. Integrity..... I will have lied to Margo about this being it. I value my integrity.... so I will have to face her and explain. I would like to write her a check for $1500-$2500 and make the deal... as a sort of insurance policy. She will have a few options.... 1- cash the check and use it anytime she wants.... 2- hold the check.... 3- .... well.... I guess maybe there are only two options... but I reason that I must be held accountable for my words. My words to her simply were this is it.... as in end it in May 2021.....  Staying would mean that I would not have kept my word.  There has to be a penalty for not keeping my word.... and a penalty beyond the guilt of knowing that I sacrificed my integrity. 

3- My attitude is awful in regard to the bureaucracy of teaching at Rossford High School. The check the box mentality and desire to be Perrysburg is everywhere. The drive to be more elementary.... is everywhere.... My fundamental respect for my colleagues has dwindled to just a hand few.... I am steadily becoming the old, nasty, negative fellas that were in place during my early years.... With this mindset, I will lose .... students will lose.... and my job performance will lose....   

It is my intention to return to teach at Rossford High School for the 2021-22 school year. I will end my career at the end of May 2022. I will have taught for 39 years....  and 36 at RHS..... and hopefully,  I will have made a positive difference during that time. 

Come what may.